Letter to my children: What if sex was rest?

Dearest Beloveds,

The first year of our WiseBodies “Sex Ed for Adults” is coming to a close. A class filled with tears and laughter and learning. Aside from rocking my world by teaching me the history of the speculum, this class is also slowly, steadily, unraveling much of what I understood “sex” to be.

I am so glad I am learning before you two hit puberty.

I wish I could say, I am learning this before you two are exposed to our culture’s myopic, juvenile, reductive idea of “sex” but that is not true.

Recently, a clothing catalogue arrived to the house. It was filled with models who looked as though they were acting in a pornographic movie. Each provocative pose was bedroom eyes, pouty lips, arched backs, and cleavage galore. I was not impressed.*

It was textbook subliminal messaging to not only sell a product - but to show you what “sexy” looks like. We are told from a very young age (usually not overtly) both what “sexy” looks like - and what “sex” is.

Sex is two faces devouring each other on a screen, bodies ripping each others clothes off, heaving breaths until one of them rolls off the other and they both stare at the ceiling panting, satiated, smiling. Sex is orgasm after orgasm. Sex is Jake saying, “I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to,” about his drunk girlfriend in 16 Candles - at least for your mother’s generation. Sex is about large penises standing tall, soft vaginas gushing with liquid, and nipples aching to be kissed.

This year I have been receiving from Isa a steady beat of encouragement to remember myself as a sexual being outside of the cultural paradigm. Going through menopause at age 34 (the reason both of you are medical miracle babies)** was very confronting for me because I had/have a tendency to compare my sexual desires to the above paragraph.

But if we take the premise that all pleasurable sensations are sex - the definition widens considerably. Isa put this idea beautifully, “what if sex was rest?”

To which one could add:

What if sex was the spoonful of warm chocolate fudge with creamy cool vanilla ice cream?

What if sex was taking a bath?

What if sex was lying on your belly on the beach feeling the droplets of seawater dry slowly on your bare back as you listen to seagulls overhead?

What if sex was cleaning your ears?

What if sex was popping an incredibly satisfying zit?

What if sex was holding hands?

What if sex was the first bite of a warm and unctuous grilled cheese - buttered crispy bread, gooey gruyere?

What if sex was sitting in the warm sun with a cool breeze?

What if sex was drinking a perfectly cool glass of water when you are parched?

What if sex was a nap on a rainy afternoon under a soft heavy blanket?

Beloveds, I am not saying our cultural paradigm of sex is bad or not fun. It can be what happens - but it is certainly not what happens all of the time. I don’t ever want you thinking that it is what has to happen and that what you are doing is not good because it doesn’t look like the kiss in the movie.

I want you two to think of “sex” as a continuum that can encompass a wide range of experiences. Our culture defines sex as one slice of experiences that come from enjoying our bodies. Sometimes sex looks like what is depicted in mass media. Sometimes it doesn’t.

Sexual encounters do not need to look a certain way and have a certain result. We are all sexual beings. Sex is feeling pleasure and joy and loving your body. It is more than penetrative anything, hard anything, moist anything - those are just facets of the whole.

They are not the whole.

You are the whole.

Have fun.

*You two are already becoming aware of the paradigms of what beauty look like in our culture. The majority of advertisements show trim, attractive, well dressed, clean individuals - mostly White, mostly with clean new things behind them. I have already written out my diatribe against stuff - and you two are well versed in your Momma’s prejudices against buying crap we don’t need. It is as important to be aware of the marketing of sex just as you are aware of the marketing of stuff. They are both selling you an idea that may be far removed from your reality and your desires.

** Bean, if you missed it - here is your birth story. Dragon, here is yours.